Story Time: Poetic Skeletons

My personal e-mail is full of poetry I used to write. Some of it is real depressing, others are SO cringe worthy. Others invoke a certain type of nostalgia, the type that kind of reminds you of the feelings you had when you wrote it and incite you feel it all over again. Poetry used to be my own personal therapy. I wrote it down, because I didn’t want to say it aloud. I don’t know where along the line the opposite happened. If I could, I’d climb some rooftop and yell all my emotions off of it. I’m a talker. I know, surprising! But I want to talk about it all. I want to say exactly what I think, feel, want, need, hate, love, etc. It’s who I currently am. My software provider is creating an update that will help put some sort of filter on this mouth.
 
However, until then, I’m a huge advocate of talking. I want to talk, because talking gets me to the bottom of things. When I'm not talking, something is really bothering me. When I was younger and clearly depressed, I wrote it down. That’s why my personal e-mail saddens me. I keep it because it reminds me of how far I've come, while also reminding me of what a complete tool I used to be. Don’t judge me though, sometimes I was just sad. I wish I could share some snippets with you but you might laugh at me. Although, when has that ever stopped me before? This is me being vulnerable about my past, while also poking fun at myself. These are some real snippets out of the personal vault. These ones made me laugh out loud or chuckle. I will also write down my present day reactions.

1.

Yuck. What is this? No, honey, no. That little blood pump in your chest cavity is only attached to arteries and vessels and stuff.

2.



When I was little, I used to always yell at my parents (after they got me in trouble),"I can never have a happy day." Apparently, I didn't outgrow these dramatics for a long time. I'm still very dramatic, except now, I've experienced true happiness.

3.

This.Doesn't.Even.Make.Sense. Clearly I was taking some creative liberties. But maybe it was just one of those, "it's too good to be true" or "it's crazy, so crazy, it just might work" things. Who really knows. But whatever was happening was so real, it just couldn't be. How could it be? Denial is a gift my friends.

4. 

Once again, my affinity to speak about things I don't understand started young, and has stood the test of time. I clearly had never experienced a heart break. Those things suck. Avoid at all costs. Oh, and if you can avoid making mistakes, do that too. Sheesh Ruth, terrible advice.



Listen...

We all have weird depressed skeletons in our closets, mine just happen to be really poetic (haha). Genuinely though, I just want to let you know, that you can really become a better, mentally stable human if you try. Just kidding (but not really).

I just want to say: everything always seems like a mountain, even when it's a small hill. And even if it is a mountain of a problem, you can still climb it. I know that all those aforementioned moments of pure angst and melancholy are funny now, but back then, they were the biggest deal of all time. Can you imagine if I would have given up in any of those moments, I'd still be living alone in a valley somewhere, shaded by the massive mountain of problems, in a house full of sadness, with a drinking well full of my own tears and... well, that took a steep turn, you get the point.
I'm just here to tell you to keep going, one day, you'll be able to look at those mountain in your rear view mirror and enjoy the view. Sprinkle some hope and Jesus on it, you'll see the magic that can come from that.

Talk to you later,
R.  

Let's Chat: Sibling "Rivalry"

Today’s post is inspired by my co-workers conversation. She was telling me how she’s amused by these hockey coaches she knows. Apparently the other day, they got into a massive yelling match during a hockey game, mind you, not an adult hockey game, but a hockey game of eight year olds. And that now, they are the best of friends, who meet up every week. She’s genuinely confused, and doesn’t understand how that can happen. To tell you the truth, I’ve known that guys are this way for a while. They can literally get into a brawl, only to be besties a few hours later. But is this the case for all men? Is it just some men? I don’t know. Maybe you should ask someone that knows, because I genuinely know nothing.

I grew up in a household of men (previously known as boys) and I’m still confused most of the time. So I decided, that in honour of a belated “national sibling day”, I’d have a candid discussion about what it’s like to grow up with brothers and how it didn’t help me at all for the real world. First, I guess I should describe what my relationships with my brothers are like. We aren’t on speaking terms. . . Just kidding! As if! My family talks all the time, all day, I genuinely wonder whether we’ll run out of stuff to discuss sometime. Anyways, I’ll stick to the subject. Here are some basic stories, so y’all can get an inside view of the Alvarez (my last name, icydk) household:

My one brother is a complex creature. Always trying to pretend he’s not sensitive, but really he is. It’s a fine line. It takes years of experience to realize when you’ve gone too far, or when you haven’t gone far enough. For example, one time, we were arguing. And mid argument, I became a total girl, and went for the jugular. I spilled the beans about a certain person in his life, who was not being very nice to him. There could have been one million other times, where I could have let him know the situation, but instead I waited for an opportunity that gave me the greatest reward. Apparently the reward was winning this dumb argument.
Side note: Don’t judge me. You know you’ve all done this before. We wait. We keep it in our arsenal, and we pull it out in times of war. Don’t even pretend.

Anyways, I realized the time was now! And well, it had the desired effect. He immediately shut down and stopped talking to me. Now, I thought that this would last for a couple hours. Oh boy, I was mistaken. He gave me the silent treatment for AN ENTIRE WEEK. Guys, I mean… I tried talking to him the next day and he was the ice princess ...I mean, Mr. Freeze. On the flip side: He does NOT enjoy being ignored. I would get mad at him often, and I’d go to my room, slam the door, and linger in my own puddle of angry tears (nothing was ever serious enough to warrant this type of lunacy but hey, I was little) and he’d trot up the stairs and knock on the door and ask me to hang out. I would say no. and he’d sit in front of the door and every few minutes ask “how about now? We could be doing so much right now”. Uh hello young man, I am doing a lot right now, I’m over here being mad. He is a solid bud though.

Now my other brother, he’s a gem of a human being (sarcastically and genuinely). I remember one time we were mid fight, I’m pretty sure about who was allowed to choose what we would be watching on the television. And well, I’m up for a good argument every now and then, and was not budging from my position and my seat. Y’all know that we have “our spots” on couches and such. Apparently, I was in his spot. He got up and he grabbed me by my ankles (how rude!) and yanked, yes, YANKED, me onto the floor! Guys, this is hilarious. Like, just use your imagination. Like who does that? Oh, that’s right, my brother. But like I said he’s a gem. On another occasion, I was crying (I don’t know if these stories really put me in a shining light) about probably not being allowed to eat a cookie or something, and he saw me. He called me over, and he allowed me to sit beside him as he played his piano. He played until I stopped crying, gave me a hug and told me that everything would be fine. Everything was indeed fine, but I always remember it. He was also the only family to see my crying after a boy hurt my feelings. He sat down and explained to me that he knew I’d make someone very happy one day, if I treated him as well as I treated them (my brothers) he’d be very lucky dude (cue the ‘awws’).

And this is why friends, I don’t claim to know anything. People are all different. No matter the gender. The real question I often wonder about is how did women end up getting the label of being complicated? Do you know how many conversations I’ve had with these guys and have left super confused. Legitimately all the time. However, there is no better feeling in the world than knowing you got two big dudes that will have your back at the end of the day, and I guess that makes it all ok. Ugh, all this sap is making me nauseous.

In conclusion, I have two pieces of advice.

1. Mothers: Listen, I’ve seen a grown man cry for their mom. I’ve had to go and call my mom and be like “mom, your son is wondering why you aren’t holding his hand right now?” Just because they are boys, it doesn’t mean they are emotionless. If anything, they might be more emotional. Establish a relationship, let them say what they feel; there will be a moment when he is 30 where he’ll call you crying. But don't you worry, his sister will be in the background calling him a big baby.

2. Sisters: learn to be a “bro”. Don’t be so sensitive. Try to take interest in the things they like. Trust me, if you do, they’ll hang out with you more. And give you lunch money and beautiful watches for your birthday (but like, don’t just do it for that. I’m just saying it’s a perk). Also, sometimes they want to talk to someone, someone that understands the “emotional stuff”. This will also give you some leverage for the next argument. Bahaha, just kidddding.  Do it because you love them. Also, you might need a male perspective sometime, and who better to ask than someone who cares about you.

Well, hopefully the next post isn’t as gross as this one. Tell me about your sibling relationships. Should I have wished for a sister?

Chapter 3: Flaws and All

My face looks like a pepperoni pizza. But not a good one. I've had about 7 chocolate bars in the last fifteen days. On my thirteen day "vacation", I ate a cupcake every s i n g l e day. I have no regrets. But this is why my face looks like a pepperoni pizza.I only have myself to blame. I'm also a little bit stressed. School has not been the greatest ride lately. And so I've been eating a lot. Because food makes me happy, ask anyone. Well, what can I do about it?

I am a flawed human being. So many flaws. If I could talk about twenty seventeen, it'd be about how flawed it was. Lots of things didn't work out great, a lot of the time I felt confused, lost and lonely. The year had many times where I thought, "this year sucks." And yet, I ended this year on a high note. W H A A A A T!

Listen, if you look at me, you can see seventy-five millions things that are wrong with me. I'm too short, I'm too fat, I have pepperoni face, I'm pale white, my teeth aren't straight, I have bad skin, my shoulders are too wide and ....  so many other things. And yet, there are many days where I feel like I am a solid eight out of ten.

Just look at my life, you can see another thirty million things that are wrong. I still live at home with my parents, my bank account is always sad, student debt, I still have not graduated, I don't have a co-op yet, I'm still a single pringle and it's probably because of my pepperoni face (joke). Yet, I'd give my life a five-star rating. God has been good to me.

Now, lets analyze my personality. It also has like four million things wrong with it. I'm too loud, I'm too honest, I'm a back-talker, I can be a negative nancy, sassy sally, prude patty, rude ruthie (haha). When I get mad, I get mean. I often hold grudges and anger is my comfort zone. But, it' still my very best asset and I'd give it an A plus-plus.

Do you think I'm being a little too hard on myself? Did you think all the aforementioned were flaws? Did I bring attention to things that you didn't even know about me? (if that didn't happen, please exit the premises) 

For whatever reason, I’ve been extremely hard on myself. Due to that, I’ve accomplished a few things. Because when you keep insisting on something, you tend to get it. But it sort of takes the joy out of everything. Flaws will always exist. We are flawed people, but we can’t have tunnel vision when it comes to our flaws. They are not all that we are. I've been so hard on myself this last year, getting really frustrated over letting everyone down, myself included. And it's made it really hard to enjoy the year. So this year, I want to change that. I promise to work hard on everything I do, including this blog, but to also to r e l a x and cut myself some slack. I have a good feeling about twenty eighteen y'all. Be kind to yourself and one another. 

 

Happy New Year. May It Be Blessed & Happy.

Chapter 2: Route Unknown

I hate driving in the rain. Once, I offered a friend of mine a ride home. She directed me the whole way there and on the way back I was planning on inserting my home address and letting maps guide me. However, every time I entered my home address, the app would tell me there was no route for that address. I was extremely confused, how was that even possible?

I started to drive thinking I could navigate my way out of from memory. If you know me at all, you will know that I have no sense of direction. I am constantly getting lost. As I drove, I realized that I was heading farther and farther away from the main roads. I pulled over and tried inserting my address again. Finally, after panicking, I realized that I had the app set on walking and not driving (didn't even know this was a thing until then). Once I switched it over, it gave me the route that led me to the highway. 

Honestly, this was the worst drive home EVER. It took me through all these small roads, through a town I didn't know where the streets had no lights plus it was pouring out. Like, can't-see-anything-oh-my-God, thunderstorm rain. Coincidentally, I had a song playing that was talking about letting God guide us. I started talking to the radio: 

"yes, Lord! Guide me Lord! I don't want to die in the wilderness Lord! Make it stop raining Lord! Please?"

 "I don't want to cry! You will not cry! Oh my gosh, I am going to die in the middle of nowhere!" "Girl, you have Jesus! You'll be fine! Yeah! I have Jesus!" "Jesus, are you there?"  

 .... true story. 

Worst drive ever. I almost started crying. Rain makes me panic when I'm driving. Maybe because on a rainy night, my brother and I got into a terrible car accident -- like spin, flip your car, land in ditch car accident. Finally, after a very stressful 20 minutes,  I was on Highway 401 and on my way home.

Periodically, over the last couple months, I have felt like my life is that drive home. I've been desperately trying to plan my route to the finish line, but the route is temporarily unavailable. I suppose this is life. None of us really know what is in store. Maybe I have my app on the wrong settings. Maybe I've input the wrong address or maybe I’m trying to head in the wrong direction. We make plans, but sometimes those plans are meant for us. But God is constantly that song, on the radio of life, reminding me (and you) that he wants to guide us. To trust that he knows and that all will be revealed and fall perfectly into place; we simply need to continually move forward, even in the storm. 

Chapter 1: Please like me best!

I went on an interview today. I barely slept all night because I was trying to come up with good answers for certain questions. I don't even know why I even bothered trying to prepare, honestly. I didn't even use anything I had planned, it was all forgotten the minute I got there. 

Interviews are weird. You are genuinely trying to convince someone to like you better than someone else. I am slightly okay with this, as I generally think people like me immediately. I have them at hello. I am a people person. At least, I think so. There might be a slight chance that it's actually that people can't escape me once I've engaged them in conversation. Listen, you better just feel privileged that I'm trying to converse with you. It's not everyday that I'm in a talkative mood. Lies. I'm 95% always willing to have a conversation. 

Anyways, I sat in the interview room with two lovely ladies. My brother gave me a pep talk before I went in. (Awwww, He's so nice.) 

"Walk in there like the job is already yours. Engage them. Make the conversation mean something." 

So, naturally, I cracked a joke. Only one of the ladies laughed. The other was not about that life. How dare I crack a joke in the middle of a professional interview. I proceeded to give thoughtful answers. And they continued to ask probing questions. It was serious. I was serious. For one whole hour. It was exhausting!  

The entire time, I'm just sitting there, hoping that the person before me wasn't a better conversationalist than me. I don't have human resource experience. I snoop around peoples homes for a living ... I mean clean, I clean peoples homes for a living. I'm going to assume that I nailed the interview. If I don't get it, well it wasn't meant for me and obviously they don't like dynamic, effervescent, sassy personalities. And whose loss is it really? Mine. it's totally mine. I need the experience. Please just like me best! 

Oh, I even straightened my hair for this. So like, I deserve this job even more right?